"A Phish fan purchased a cheesesteak and a small container of fries and then looked for where she had left her friends and loved ones on the beach. But she was being watched. Without warning, a seagull that was hovering above landed feet first onto the hand holding the fries, obliterating their container and her desire to eat them, and while she mourned her side dish, a colony of seagulls (the collective noun for seagulls is 'a colony') swarmed on her long sandwich, colonizing it as their property. We truly became one with the ecosystem of Atlantic City."

and

"Pro-tip: If you're wading in the velvet sea and you hear a drunk guy say, "Does anybody know where the bathroom is?" you're approximately two minutes away from him taking his dick out in front of you and peeing into the ocean."

are not disconnected thoughts. Nice entertaining write-up.